"...the Lord conquered my unbelief and I surrendered myself to God for this service. I told Him that all the responsibility as to issues and consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant, it was mine to obey and follow Him--His to direct, to care for, and to guide me and those who might labor with me. Need I say that peace at once flowed into my burdened heart?"
~Hudson Taylor
A friend of mine shared this quote with me a few weeks ago and as I write, it lies on the dashboard of my car. A place I visit everyday and a place where I am certain it will catch my eye and I will be forced to meditate on the promises it holds. I feel a new season transpiring. One that is going to require much of me. A time that is going to intensely challenge my heart, but a time where I believe I will experience great change and joy within my soul. A season that I am fearful of, but feel a strong calling to.
I realize I should have probably told many of you in person, however sometimes the internet is the best way to get the word out at once. Please forgive me if I haven't spoken with you personally... I've entered the process of applying to teach overseas in China. 7 steps in the application process and I've just reached step 3. I cannot lie, nerves and sick feelings creep over me everytime I visit the application. How did I get here? Don't misunderstand my heart's desire. I want to serve. I want to engage in foreign missions. I long to build relationships with others and feel an immense urgency in spreading the Gospel. I even believe that I've left my heart over the ocean somewhere. But this, this wasn't MY plan. Continuing to learn a lesson (even if it has been a year) is never easy even when you know the ultimate outcome.
Currently, this is where I'm at. This past year friends, family and readers have listened/read my laments about my job situation, my long journey to becoming a teacher, the pain of returning home and not having a place to call "my own", and my sorrow in the fact that I have to give all of myself to God, not just a piece. Many have listened to me complain about my situation and in my anger, have watched me disobey and become so frustrated with God that I tried pushing Him away. My poor, sweet and loving parents have had to experience all these emotions firsthand. And now that things are about to change, I continue to lack some of that same contentment I so deeply ached for in the beginning. Comfort. This life is not about being comfortable or finding what I have been decieved into thinking is true contentment. And this past year my Father has continued to teach me this even against my own will. So it's time for me to grow a little and put what I've learned into action. Abide in Him. I don't really know where this will lead me and there are numerous unknowns about this time. But I'm choosing to hold on to the promise that my Father is leading and guiding me every step of the way.
China. It's a huge decision, one I'm not really sure I can grasp in moments. So I need prayers more than ever during this journey. Whether the Lord leads me overseas or to another job here in the states, my heart thirsts for communion with my Father; to surrender my life to His call, wherever it may be and despite my fears.
Social Distancing
4 years ago