Lost are many great commissions by such neglect.

so it's been a while since i've even looked at my blog. neglect. i've not only neglected this blog but parts of my life as well. my final semester of school took over and i suddenly had all these worries, cares and concerns about my future. which in turn led me to neglect lots of things. these past few months have been a whirlwind and i don't think there's enough time or space to explain my understanding of it all. so a few highlights of the last 5-6 months:

december-finally got to leave my job :) such a blessing to have that stress over with!

january-a nice destressing month before the final semester begins
applied for overseas missions and rejected job oppotunity--hmmm...

february-began student teaching kindergarten at Franklin Forest Elementary
sister got engaged!!!!!!
2 good friends got engaged!!!!!!

march-furiously applied for teaching jobs and trying to figure out what i'm gonna do after i graduate
wedding planning begins and gets crazy!
Korean tuoring sessions ended :(
roommate and I applied and started planning our mission trip to Cancun, Mexico :)

april-everything under the sun was due--stress levels were high
student teaching is coming to an end as is the semester and college :)

may-last week of student teaching, last minute assignments due, graduation, celebrations, packing up, saying goodbyes, packing up, waiting for interview calls, packing up and moving back home...

so that's been the last few months. a big ball of emotions, stress, good times with old and new friends and craziness. i'm excited this season of my life is coming to a close. but i'm also fearful of the unknown. i don't have a set job. i don't even have a prospect! my journey to becoming a teacher seems slow, even paused at some points, and i'm starting to feel like i'm running out of time. everyone keeps telling me i've got plenty of time...but i feel that train left when i decided to change my major two years ago. i know God is in control and that He has a plan for me. i'm just not sure i'm ready for it. i don't really know if i'm ready for what He is calling me to. i'm fearful of what it's going to require of me and what i'm going to have to sacrifice. i know His ways are higher and nothing has to make sense right now, but my flesh keeps neglecting His call for my life. i keep telling God not to give up on me and that i'll come around, but i'm not sure how long that will take...

as i get ready for the summer, possibly my last summer ever, there's a lot going on that i have to look forward to. my sister's wedding is in august and so i'm sure that is what i'll be dedicating my life to these next few months. my mother is traveling by herself to Texas to visit with a good friend. she finally gets to visit San Antonio, a place she's always wanted to go. i'm excited for her--she deserves it. this also means my father and i get to spend some quality time together :) i'm pretty pumped about this as well. and then at the end of june, my roommate and I, Mallory, will be venturing to Cancun, Mexico on a mission trip. we'll be spending almost two weeks there and helping out wherever the need is. our church has partnered with a church down there so we'll be serving them for 10 days. we're also selling bracelets for $5 to raise money--so if anyone wants to donate, that'd be great!

Lost are many great commissions by such neglect. James Wyatt

hopefully, this quote does not prove true in my life...and hopefully i'll stop neglecting the things that are so essential.

Hello again...

I've neglected my blog the past couple of months, so I thought an update was in order. I also never entered my last journal entry from my trip...however, I have lost my journal at the time being and so I wouldn't be able to enter it if I wanted :(

Moving on...

Life has been....crazy, lately. It seems I can't catch a break from this whirlwind of a course I live. It's not been bad, it's just been hectic lately. School has me engaged 24/7, as well as work at the church. Then I've just taken on a tutoring job with a 4th grade Korean girl as well as an English tutor for her older cousin four nights a week all the while applying for a job in South America. Whew! I'm out of breath. Literally.

If you know me at all, then you know I'm a fan of being shiftless and that my down time is very vital to my being. Let's face it, I love to rest. I love to be idle and kick back; not have a care in the world. If I could have it my way, I would totally choose to relax, settle in and repose. That's not been the case lately and I'm starting to lose my focus. I'm not even talking about just spiritually, but academically and professionally too. I've the worst attitude about school right now and I really could careless about how I come across to my professors. That's not me! I've also lost it at work that I actually told my roommate the other day I wish they would just fire me. Who is this!?!? This isn't the person I want to be nor who I was created to be. I'm so tired all the time and the only thing I look forward to now are my tutoring sessions with my Korean friends, which I don't actually have time for. If I'm truly honest, I'm ready to move on from school to much greater things. To what I have planned for my life. I'm ready to be out of school, leave this town, even the people. Don't get me wrong, I love the friends and the people that have become my "family" here, but I'm ready for something different. I want something more, countless.

But I can't. Not now, anyway. I know I have a place here and while I am struggling to fully believe it, I have to come to the realization that I have a purpose where I am at. That this season is not only preparing me for things to come, but ultimately holds meaning and reason. I can't count the number of opportunities that God has given me to "be light" to others since returning from my trip this past summer and even though I am excited about those opportunities, my heart still longs for something more abounding. I know there is purpose, I know there is a reason. And I'm fighting to hold on to that in the midst of my efforts. It's not easy, but I know God is continually working in me and blessing me. Funny how I covet the stationary, but yet crave a prevalent life...as if the two really go together.

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him...
Psalm 37:7

Journal Entry 6

Today was a pretty good day. I wouldn't classify it underneath wonderful! amazing! stupendous! But it wasn't bad. I guess it just wasn't as fun as the previous day... I was with a good group of people--actually, I haven't been with a "bad" group of people. I will admit I was kind of in a funk throughout the morning. But God totally delivered me from my funky mood when I saw this little boy.




Seriously, how could you not love him!? He's so adorable. We had been dropped off at one school for about an hour. The students were all gathered in one classroom and listening with wide eyes. As my teammate began to preach this little boy (and others) came up and just stood at the door. He was so intrigued as my teammate spoke. I was sitting by the door when he came up and I couldn't help but be drawn to him, he was so cute. I got him to come and sit in my lap as he listened intently. Only 2 years old and I just prayed--God, I realize this little boy may not understand every word spoken or even comprehend the Gospel, but I know that You've brought him here for a reason. You're engaging him for a reason. I don't know how You can use this, but I know You can use this moment. Here and now for Your glory. I pray for his salvation that somewhere down the road he would come to a realization of Your love for him. How precious are Your children.

We got done and ended up having time to play with the kids while we waited for our ride. Such a good time to share love with these children, Your children. They are beautiful and I am overwhelmed by the love that You have given me for them. I praise you Father for love that abounds and that You freely give.

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Day 13 (I suppose)
Today was refreshing! We got to 7 schools today. We had 4 Americans in our group and 3 translators. I only preached twice today but it was still a good day. We had a merienda at every school we went to. I was so full by the end of the day. We had Pansit at the first school at about 8:30 in the morning--that was like a full meal in the morning! I could only eat some of it because I just wasn't hungry. They had the food made especially for us so I had to eat something. Then we had snacks at every other school along with Coke all day long--I just wanted ice cold water all day! No problems though, just trying to push through. Still having to watch what I eat so I don't get sick again. The last school we were at today was great. The kids loved us! "Americanos!" they would say. So cute! I would wink at them and they would just laugh like it was the funniest thing on earth. I wish I could take the children home with me. I'm going to miss them so dearly. I'm going to miss the people here in general. They're Your children God. You've given me a love for them and they're all so special. I've watched as You've poured Your love upon them and redeemed their lives. It's beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Your work here, Father. It truly has been a blessing.

One more day to reach the lost here. May Your will be done.

sleepless night...

I can't sleep tonight. Sometimes I cannot settle my mind. I tend to think too much, especially when it's time to lay my head in respite. Most nights it's easy to put my thoughts to rest. Tonight is a different story. I want to be anywhere but here, to escape to some place untouched where no one actually knows me and it's a fresh start. Altered. My heart is longing for unfamiliar. My soul is weary of the mundane. I'm ready to move on to something untrodden. My head fills with thoughts of unknown and foreign. There is abrupt excitement in the idea of this, but do I truly understand what all this entails?

I've had a hard time being back in LaGrange--Georgia--America, where everything is familiar and known to me. Things have been bustling since my return from my trip and I am not fond of hectic. I never have been. I enjoy my free time. There are moments when I am partial to being idle--and I truly enjoy all it has to offer. Being too busy seems to make me unpleasant. Resentful. Indignant. I've become corrosive with the accustomed and right now, I just want to leave it trailing.

But I can't, not now anyway. These past few weeks, God has reminded me of 1 Cor. 7:17 :
each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.

For whatever reason, God has appointed me here, in this place, in this season. He has reminded me that He is loyal. I must serve Him where He calls me and understand that it is an honor; a privilege to be surrounded by familiarity in this time and to be thankful of His knowledge of what is best for me. I cannot complain, for He has called me here.

Journal Entry 5 (Recapping days 6-11)

So to recap the last 6 days...

Last week ended well. I preached 15 times and enjoyed every minute of it! God has really reminded of His word and His promises through the Gospel. This trip has been a huge blessing so far. Thursday evening we went to McDonalds for supper. Can I just say I'm so tired of fast food that I can get in America. It's not even really the same as an American McDonalds--I digress. After we ate, Mr. Tebow asked us to share some thoughts/stories from the week. I really enjoyed this since I haven't had a chance to really meet everyone and get to know some people. Some stories were funny, and some were really touching. It's great to hear the different ways of how God is working on this trip. Then we were told what we needed for our trip to the orphanage and what time we were going to be leaving Friday. I was pretty pumped at this point! I had been waiting, patiently might I add, for this trip to see those kids. So I was really ready.

Friday was a good day! It was a short day, but a good one nonetheless. Everyone in our group was going to the orphanage so we kind of cut our day short so we could go back, pack, and get ready to leave that evening. So we returned early in the afternoon and I showered--a good shower since I was told we wouldn't really have a chance to get one this weekend...what!? Then I packed my stuff up and got it ready to go. Little did I know this was going to be a rather rough trip for me...
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Orphanage
We left Friday night for Manila to spend the night and wake up early to catch a flight @ 7AM for Mindanao--What!? Yeah, so we sat in traffic for 2 and half hours in Manila Friday night--blah--and while we did that I caught up on some sleep. We finally got to the hotel and I was sooo exhausted. And I was dizzy from being exhausted. I was also really thirsty. Once we got up to our room, all I could do was fall on the mattress and curl up and sleep. My body was so tired. And I was so thirsty. I think my body was shutting down. So the next morning, we got up around 3:30AM and I felt horrible. I was still so thirsty and dizzy. So I pushed through and made it to the airport, made it through customs, got our tickets and waited on our flight. It was a pretty long morning but we finally got on our flight and headed to Mindanao. I slept on the plane because that's what I do now and before I knew it, we were there! Landed in General Santos, caught a bus for two hours and tried to sleep while riding. The roads were pretty curvy, or maybe it was my imagination, but I ended up getting a little car sick along with a fever. I knew something was wrong. The dehydration and exhaustion--it was going downhill fast. I was definitely jostled around on this bus ride and so that didn't help much. I was freezing because of my fever and this bus was hot. Something terrible was happening and I knew it. I kept trying to tell myself it was psychological or that it was just motion sickness--it was neither. We finally got to the orphanage and I was thirstier than ever! I still had a fever and it was like 80-90 degrees outside and I wasn't breaking a sweat! My head hurt so bad but I didn't want to miss anything. So I just pushed through it. The kids were wonderful! And I knew I wanted to play with them. They were so awesome to be around--so loving. We went down to the river to play with them and just love on them. I'm glad I didn't miss that. I took some medicine for my headache and fever so I was starting to feel better and just figured that was it. Not exactly. It rained for a good while and so we played with the kids underneath some shelter and sat around with them and just talked. One girl taught me some songs and we sang those together. I was having so much fun but feeling awful. So I finally made myself go lie down for a while to boost some energy and make myself feel better. I slept for about an hour and a half when I made myself get up and go back and play. The fevers never stopped and so when dinner time came, I ate rice. That was it. Then I went to bed for the rest of the night. I missed the rest of dinner and the kids program they put on for us. I felt so bad. So the middle of the night is when it hit--the long awaited diarrhea. I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time. So anyone can imagine how the rest of the trip went that weekend. The bus ride, plane ride, bus ride again stuck in more of Manila's fine traffic...it all was just lovely. We stopped at a Burger King at 10:30 at night and everyone in the Philippines was there! These people literally never sleep. I had rice, again. Then we got back on the bus and rode some more to our next city. We arrived at the hotel at 3:45AM and once again, had to get ready and go for our next day. I however, didn't go out that day. It was an awful day of stomach cramps and smelling fuel from the traffic outside. Both not a good combination. Sleep was good when I could get some. I ate one bananna and drank some Gatorade. Everything was horrible until about 7PM that night when I started to feel better. Things started to settle down. I woke up the next morning and things were so much better. I was ready to go and feeling like myself again. Thank you Jesus for getting me through that. Never do I want to experience that again. I'm good. Promise.
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The next day...
The day after I was sick was a great day! I mean a really good day. Not sure if it was because I was just happy to be back or what but it was a great day. I ended being in a group with some great girls and we had so much fun! The pastors were great as well that day! We all laughed the whole day. We got to 10 schools. I just love getting to go from school to school to see the children. They're so beautiful and lovable. They listen so intently and just hang on your every word sometimes. They're obviously hungry and want to be loved. I'll love them :) We ate chicken and rice for lunch at a really cute place that I want to go back to. We met up with our other half of the group so it was nice to hang out with them as well. The pastors are so funny. I love getting to hear their stories and learn about their families. They're just amazing people. Such a good day to visit and share the Gospel after such a wretched day before. I praise you God for giving me this day!

Journal Entry 4 (sort of)

So my days and time is definitely off. I'm having a hard time keeping up with what day it actually is here and in America. Haven't been able to call the parents yet--we've just been so busy and I really haven't had time to take everything in yet. I guess that's a good thing...maybe I'll get a chance to call them today.

I woke up again around 4:20AM again--it was a little bit rougher this morning though. Not feeling 100% today but nothing I can't handle. I had the best bananna this morning and Dunkin Donuts for breakfast--Dunkin Donuts, Thanks God :) You know just what I like! We also got PB&J sandwiches packed for us for a snack today--unfortunately, I forgot mine today :( I was with a good group of girls today and we had a pretty awesome day! It started out a little rocky--spiritual warfare possibly. The first school I went to was a pretty big school. 500+, elementary school. I was pumped! I was going to get to share with all of these children and teachers. Parents were also there dropping their kids off and hung around to see what we were going to do, so that was a plus in my eyes. Our pastor/translator talked with the principal about allowing us to speak. She was very reluctant to allow us to do this and only allowed 15 minutes for us to "do our thing". Her school was in some sort of contest and they won, so she wanted to announce it during their flag ceremony. Even though I don't understand the language real well, I can pick up on some of the language and definitely the body language, so I could tell that she was very apprehensive about letting us do this. Give me the words to say Lord, I have 15 mins to share with them about You. Allow me to tell them what is most important and what they need to hear. So they had their flag cermony and did some morning excercises and then she introduced us and allowed us to go first before she made her announcements. So I started telling them about Jesus--thanks God for the words. I got all the way through the prayer and the principal told our pastor/translator that it was time and we needed to go. I was like, what!? I need to follow up with them Lord. So the pastor wrapped it up real quick for me and we were done. It wasn't even 15 minutes yet, and I was a little frustrated I didn't get to follow up with them. We were going to stay for the rest of the announcements but the principal asked us to leave. When we got back in the jeep, the pastor apologized for what had just happened and said that most Filipinos were not like that. That they were very friendly and hospitable. It's interesting how caring they are compared to people in America. This would be a typical situation in America but here, it's not. Interesting the different cultures. God, I pray that You use anything that I said this morning--I pray that they know how much You love them and what Your Son did on the cross for them. Help me to realize I can't do it all, in fact that it's not me who does anything. It's You in me that accomplishes things for Your kingdom. I also pray that You would not allow satan to be any part of our work here. You are faithful God. You know exactly what You are doing and I thank You for that.

We had Filipino cuisine today. I must admit that I was a little skeptical of this, however it turned out to be really good! We had a really good day today. We got to know the pastors a little bit better. I love that part! I love getting to hear about their lives and how long they've been in ministry over here. They truly understand what it means to live out their faith--they get it. And it's so refreshing to be around. Thank you God for the encouragement they've been to me already and the ministry they're involved in. Bless them and their families as they continue to minister to the Filipinos here.

Going to bed now. A long but enjoyable day!

Journal Entries 2-3

So yeah, God, I asked for it and now you're giving it to me. Sacrifice. It's about 12AM and I just found out I have 4 hours to sleep, on the bus ride, to Urdaneta City, when it will be time for us to get up. So when we arrive at our hotel, we'll have time to put our stuff down, "freshen up", and go eat breakfast. Ok, I can do this. Sacrifice for Jesus, right? Got some sleep on the bus so that is good. Bus driver drove kind of crazy--I wasn't use to that so this is new...however, I am starting to feel a little more energized. Thanks God. I need all the energy You will supply for my day.

...unpacked, "freshened up", and ready for breakfast. I'm feeling pretty good at this point and am anticipating what this will be like. Have I mentioned that I'm really not sure how this is all going to go down? You're in control God. You've called me here and I pray you use me.

Today was the first day of our adventure. God supplied all the energy I needed and I praise Him for that! It was a tough day as I didn't really know what I was doing, but God has been faithful. My first Gospel presentation at an elementary school--it was ok. Let's just say I'm glad God uses anything for His good. It's kind of difficult to get use to having a translator repeat everything you say. I also need to remember to just break it down phrase by phrase or sentence by sentence. Not really sure about this but I know things will get better and God will use me. I'm clinging to that. I got to preach twice today. I would have liked more "practice" but it will come. The day was a little slow but not a bad first day. We took one of my teammates back to the hotel because she wasn't feeling well. Ate at McDonalds for lunch and then hit the road again. However, we had a little bit of jeep trouble but nothing that set us back for hours. Just kind of a slow day. I love the people here! Thank you Father for giving me a heart for these people. They're so beautiful and friendly. I love that You have created them this way. I'm feeling a little tired now that I have been sitting still...It's about 4pm and I am going to take a nap until dinner.

A few hours later...
I just slept through dinner! Got to love jet lag. It's about 9:30pm and I'm debating on whether or not to eat something or go back to bed. I'm still really tired...ok, going to bed now :)

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Day 4, I think

I feel great this morning! I got 10 hours of sleep since I slept through dinner and went back to bed after realizing I slept through dinner. My alarm clock went off at 4:20AM and I actually feel pretty good! Thanks Lord, for the much needed rest. I just knew today was going to be great and it was! Lord, you have definitely blessed me today. I was with a great group and we got to 14 schools today! We ended up dropping people off with pastors to hit more schools. I liked this a lot. I ended up getting to preach 5 times today and I am already feeling more comfortable with preaching. Thank you Lord, for giving me courage and boldness to preach the Gospel. Thank You that You have not given me a spirit of timidity, but of power and love. These people need Jesus. They need to hear the Good News and I thank You that You have chosen me today to tell them. "I may not be a trained speaker, but I do have knowledge." 2 Corinthians 11:6
Lord, I have the knowledge. I know You personally and I know the Gospel. Help me to take it wherever you lead me. God, allow me to continue to be used by You where You see fit. Thank you for the opportunities you have given me today. Your children truly are beautiful.

Dinner was at 6pm promptly and I just made a fool out of myself. Singing songs. One of my favorite things to do with my closest friends, in my car alone, and for worship. Not to perform for all to hear just because someone told me to. Jingle Bells. Really? Oh me, it's so messed up. Pizza Hut for dinner, was pretty good. Mr. Tebow spoke about why the Gospel really is good news. I'm challenged as I ponder on the Gospel in general. Thanks Lord, it's been food to my soul. It's about 8pm and I'm going to bed. I love it!