For a Girl to Know

I tend to hunger for a lot out of this life. My being craves to live among the needy in a foreign land. At the very center of this desire, my heart lies over the ocean making some days inadmissible. In the midst of this longing, I want friendship. I thirst for stability and affection. On the most typical of days, contentment is my yearning. But tonight, tonight I ache for a girl to know.

Abundant emotions saturate my body leaving me sleepless tonight. It is simple. I desire for a girl to know of Your endless love. My anguished heart longs for her to know that You exist. To know that You hold power. To know that You love. I could spend infinite hours naming all Your works--the ways in which You rescue and restore lives. How You bring hope and peace to the least of these. I could exhaust my intellect and quote scripture, giving examples of how You dwell among us. Eloquent words of Your truth and promises could fall from my lips making it sound like the most alluring sonnet ever heard. But a girl would not know.

No, not tonight. Tonight, there is a girl waiting for life to commence. She lays still in her bed not knowing she is running because she is fearful. She is searching for forever. And tonight, I long for her to know.

LA's Wedding Day

A dear friend of mine tied the knot back in April. I took a few photos and played around with them. Here are a few shots of LeeAnn Elizabeth Brooks Dalrymple's big day! (LA, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you have too many names!)

Oh and disregard that these are out of order...you get the picture :)

Foreign moment to foreign opportunities...

"...the Lord conquered my unbelief and I surrendered myself to God for this service. I told Him that all the responsibility as to issues and consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant, it was mine to obey and follow Him--His to direct, to care for, and to guide me and those who might labor with me. Need I say that peace at once flowed into my burdened heart?"

~Hudson Taylor

A friend of mine shared this quote with me a few weeks ago and as I write, it lies on the dashboard of my car. A place I visit everyday and a place where I am certain it will catch my eye and I will be forced to meditate on the promises it holds. I feel a new season transpiring. One that is going to require much of me. A time that is going to intensely challenge my heart, but a time where I believe I will experience great change and joy within my soul. A season that I am fearful of, but feel a strong calling to.

I realize I should have probably told many of you in person, however sometimes the internet is the best way to get the word out at once. Please forgive me if I haven't spoken with you personally... I've entered the process of applying to teach overseas in China. 7 steps in the application process and I've just reached step 3. I cannot lie, nerves and sick feelings creep over me everytime I visit the application. How did I get here? Don't misunderstand my heart's desire. I want to serve. I want to engage in foreign missions. I long to build relationships with others and feel an immense urgency in spreading the Gospel. I even believe that I've left my heart over the ocean somewhere. But this, this wasn't MY plan. Continuing to learn a lesson (even if it has been a year) is never easy even when you know the ultimate outcome.

Currently, this is where I'm at. This past year friends, family and readers have listened/read my laments about my job situation, my long journey to becoming a teacher, the pain of returning home and not having a place to call "my own", and my sorrow in the fact that I have to give all of myself to God, not just a piece. Many have listened to me complain about my situation and in my anger, have watched me disobey and become so frustrated with God that I tried pushing Him away. My poor, sweet and loving parents have had to experience all these emotions firsthand. And now that things are about to change, I continue to lack some of that same contentment I so deeply ached for in the beginning. Comfort. This life is not about being comfortable or finding what I have been decieved into thinking is true contentment. And this past year my Father has continued to teach me this even against my own will. So it's time for me to grow a little and put what I've learned into action. Abide in Him. I don't really know where this will lead me and there are numerous unknowns about this time. But I'm choosing to hold on to the promise that my Father is leading and guiding me every step of the way.

China. It's a huge decision, one I'm not really sure I can grasp in moments. So I need prayers more than ever during this journey. Whether the Lord leads me overseas or to another job here in the states, my heart thirsts for communion with my Father; to surrender my life to His call, wherever it may be and despite my fears.

The Sound of HIS Name

There is no other name but Jesus. Simple as that. My heart desires nothing more than to sing His name and make Him known. I long for all His creation to intimately know this precious name--Jesus. The broken, the confused, the beggers, the thieves, the hungry, the fatherless, the undefeated, the mighty and the lost. My soul yearns for all to know the power of the sound of His great name.

Natalie Grant sings of this wondrous name that several know but many cannot comprehend. It's been a refreshing expression of the sovereignty of my Father. I hope that it encourages your heart today.

Lyrics:

Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name
All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name
Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name

[Chorus:]
Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name
Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name
The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name
Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name

Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

Little Mary

My heart melts when I think about little Mary. Walking through the house, she greets "Hoppa" and calls him "silwy boooya" repeatedly. I don't try to stop her for she has captured my soul. Her enthusiasm and joy for life's little pleasures engage me as I watch her discover her surroundings. One by one, she picks up plastic bugs from a bug collection and sifts through several books that she claims are her own. Her affinity for playdough and lodging it in narrow crevices make my time with her more than worth it. She learns. Using marshmellows to "do 1,2,3" and color with a "crayun" she draws a "pitshure" just for me. Little Mary finds just what she wants. I read to her out of her princess book and she describes to me which princess is her favorite. Enthralled by every detail, she looks to me and declares each princess her own. "My Ariuul. My Beyelle." It's in the way she says "butterply" with love and how we tell each other "Shhh. I hear Tinka Bell". It's when she just wakes up from a nap and wants to cuddle with me. My heart is attached. This little girl has overwhelmed my soul.

A new year, a new blog!

It's a new year!!! Thank God :)

I've updated my blog by giving it my own personal touch. I'm quite proud of myself too (changing the design of a blog isn't exactly the easiest task for me). I figured with the new year my blog could use a new design--something fresh and new to start over with. I deleted and removed the old design, took down a few things and added some brisk supplimentaries that will hopefully invigorate your precious souls :) My hope is to continue adding new gadgets and posts throughout the year in order to encourage the heart.

Like my blog, I've had to do some renovations of my own with my life. While my blog was a quick fix, I'm still working on some aspects that lie deep within my heart. I've honestly had to start digging deep inside my soul and pull out roots that have grown and manifested inside for so long. I'm working on a new design, a new layout for my life. However, also unlike my blog, I'm not the one designing or creating it.

I would like to say that my resolution for 2011 is that I finally submit to God's calling for my life and follow Him in obedience. However, when I think about what it means to resolve, my heart has a hard time following suit. Boldness. Willpower. Determination. Conclusion. These are words that are hard for me to embrace. So I'm not saying this is my resolution. No, I can't do that. Not yet anyway. It's my hope and my prayer that I face this matter with confidence and humility. Confidence in my Father; that He is in control and I may find rest in His very presence. Humbled to the point that I'm on my knees in awe of His grace and mercy He imparts on me every day. I want Him to administer my every move as I proceed through life. I truly do.

Yet, this is not natural for me. Some days, it's not even desirable for me. So I have to embark on this journey with prayer. A quest that will probably take more than a year...but one that calls me to a cause worth dying for. I'm fearful, but long to know the depths of my Father's heart.

Here's to a new, abounding, year. Happy 2011!

Baby Emerson

I did a photo shoot for a baby the other week and here are some pics from the shoot. Since this was my first "real" photo shoot, I didn't really know what to expect, but baby Emerson was so cooperative, I think she spoiled me for other photo shoots I do in the future! Enjoy these pics of baby and some of mama too :)

My heart still beats for the other side

I've recently had to come to a place in my life where I begin to take little steps back to being filled again. For 6 months now, I've wandered in the "wilderness" giving my life to idols I've carved out and made my home. All along, I've been aware of what I was doing, but ignored the warning signs along the way. That's disobedience. I'm very good at that. My Father knows that I tend to question His authority and then cower in disregard. And for these last few months I've made quite a pallet there to lay my head upon and rest. This is not good.

This past week I changed that. Well, in part. I've started to make small footprints back into His presence. Not really knowing what was going to be said to me, I felt like I took the plunge. For so long I neglected it--Him, for fear of what He truly had to say to me. I didn't want to hear it and I still fear parts of it. Mainly because I'm scared of what it's going to cost me. What I will have to sacrifice. But that's ok. For now. He just wants my attention. My affection. And I need Him now more than ever.

This season isn't over, not by a long shot. And while that still hurts to some degree, my attitude and heart's desire is slowly transforming and being molded into what He wills for me. I can't complain about that. I like that.

Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le!

This has become my new chant when times get tough :) Just kidding, but it was what the world chanted when 33 Chilean miners emerged from underground last week. I too got caught up in the historic news and I must admit that I've followed their story closely since then, wondering how their return to "life" has unraveled.

One recent article I found caught my attention and reminded me of the power and control God has over our lives and the situations that encompass us. Whether we are called by His name or not, He holds the power over life. I've attached the link to the article at the bottom and want to share it with you. If you don't have time to read it, I'll summarize it in a nutshell--because it's just that powerful!

Campus Crusade for Christ is a Christian organization that has many ministries, one being The Jesus Film Project. On the international side of that, their country director for Chile contacted the miners and asked if they could send The Jesus Film down to them for them to watch. The contact said yes and wrote a letter of thanks for the film. In the letter the contact mentioned that he was sure this would be of great encouragement for each of them and thanked the director again. He said that he was fine because Christ lived in him. At the end of the letter, he said goodbye leaving a verse behind. That verse is to follow.

In His hands are the depths of the Earth, and the mountain peaks belong to Him.
Psalm 95:4

Such a fitting verse for their very unusual, but traumatic situation. T-shirts were made and were the very shirts that many of the miners wore as they were rescued last week. On them was the same verse.

I'm reminded that no matter what situation our lives are in, whether we're unemployed, going through a divorce, sick or even trapped in a mine, God holds the depths of the Earth in His hands. What would make us think that He isn't with us during our darkest hours? We can rejoice because He is in control, holding us in His hands.

Link to article:
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/14/the-story-behind-the-chilean-miners-jesus-t-shirts/

Real Joy

Not that fake stuff that I've often been decieved into believing. That I look for in my everyday life situations. That starts out with a tight cling from me and then slowly slips away and leaves me feeling hopeless and undeserving. No, not that stuff. That's not joy, at least, not genuine joy.

Back in the spring I asked for it. I pleaded with God and made a promise to Him. I've forgotten about it until now. I do that a lot. A lot in the sense that this is a recurring theme in my life, thus far. I didn't really know what I was doing. I entered into it blindly. I still don't fully understand this season of my life that I requested back then. So much has changed for me since that moment. And I never held up my end of the deal, because I thought I lost my joy in the midst of what I felt has become my misery and sufferings.

But I've come to find out, I never really had true joy, in it's most organic sense. I never aspired to understand or aquire it by any means. My efforts are honorable. But that hasn't found me true joy that lasts for the interior. During those times when selfishness causes me to lose sight of truth and promises. When my feelings become the most vital part of living for me. I'm not even talking about happiness, which I've come to find is truly just an emotion that I can add to my overwhelming list of unreliable feelings. I'm describing coming to know the greatness of my Father. When words and songs can't impart how great He is, that's who I want to know. It's what I appealed for in the spring and what I promised I would make my life about.

Despite my failing resistance, He's pursuing me with His love. To assure within me that His promises still stand and that I can rest in His truth. I'll spend my life to know, but I'm far from close.

My joy is not determined by what happens to me, but what God is doing in me and through me.

In need of restoration

Hosea 6: 1-3
1Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.

2 After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.

3 Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.

It comes out of nowhere. I’m caught off guard by its sudden attack. In a moment, I feel encouraged. In the next, I’m desperate. My eyes start to well up with tears that blur my vision. Before I’m aware of it, my face becomes saturated with despair. I control it no longer. I begin to sob uncontrollably. Every angry, bitter fraction of me seeps out of my body. My mind races wildly with thoughts of misery, deception and anguish. I commence to throw myself upon my bed in angst and continue to weep. I’m wrecked.

I don’t know why or really even how I got to this place. I’ve fallen fatal to the legalistic lies. I’m hurt, sick to my stomach some days of this season. All that is within me is dry. I’m in the process of being stripped. I’m in the process of being broken. I’m in the process of being shattered. And currently, I despise every minute of it. I’m beginning to lose parts of me that I’ve grown accustomed to; were maybe rooted in my garden and easy to cultivate. I’ve lost direction and purpose for a time, and I’m not really sure when I’ll get it back. I hear silence when I try to speak and my heart just grows weary of the efforts. My flesh feels abandoned and alone. Truth seems like a mystery and the promises feel distant. I realize the need of my labor, but I prolong my struggle to find liberation above the rubble. My fears paralyze me as lies flood my mind. Restoration seems isolated. Doubt has encased my perseverance.

Even still, faith has called me to wait upon The shadow I may abide in and His presence to call my home. I’m not joyous about it, but that’s not the point.

Pics from Carla's Wedding!

Here are just a few pics I took from my sister's wedding. It rained that afternoon, but things turned out great!